Comfort in my head.

I spent years struggling of how to express myself. Angry, happy, confused, sarcastic. You name it, I’ve tried it. The thing is, I have hundreds of emotions running through my body and not enough time to understand it all. Simply because I kept myself busy, moving on – technically hiding. Pushing it all to the back of my mind, maybe it wasn’t the right way to go, but it worked for a while.

Lots of things keep me comfortable, whether it’s a love life, a relaxed environment, sport or work. But that didn’t necessarily keep my brain thoroughly comfortable and I knew that, I just never addressed it. Until I cracked, I finally hit solid ‘rock bottom’ there was absolutely no way I could get any lower than I was. I lost my comfort zone and was searching left right and centre to be back in that spot. When all I needed was comfort in myself again. That was it.

I studied myself for a while. My actions, my day to day actions and wrote done every single strong thought, and how many times it came into my head. Sometimes them thoughts reached double digits a day, but I kept it controlled. My brain was being controlled at last and I was confident in myself I could keep it controlled and that nothing would really stop that. I focused on my fitness, my hobbies, writing and work. Whilst keeping a very strong balance of socialising with my friends and loved ones. There was always a way to keep my mind going. I just needed the drive inside of me.

Once I knew I had figured it out, I kept it going. Even now, today, I keep myself going. It doesn’t come naturally yet, but that’s why I taught myself the way to do it, the way I’m comfortable with. Comfort in myself was the key, the question was how. I answered that question, built the bridged and walked over it.

Through my eyes.

The way I look at life now, is a lot different to what I used to. I used to see ‘life’ as a struggle and that I was doing day to day tasks just to get through everything. Looking back, it was a good way to look at it but combining that with depression and a shed load of over thinking, then you’ve got a strongly unfocused frame of mind.

I had a strong taste of the word ‘happiness’ and I LOVED it, every minute. Every moment. Until it was gone. Back then ‘happiness’ was something I would find, not create and sustain. I wanted to be happy but I did not know how to be, I thought I would be down in the dumps forever, trapped. How wrong I was, there’s a little thing called happiness, and it’s made at home, it’s made inside you. I’m not saying I needed to change, I was far from that. I just needed to change my way of thinking and looking at things. After all, I was one of the happiest people before – I don’t know why I couldn’t do it again.

The word that haunted me from happiness, the one word and one thing that scared me and made me shiver. ‘Dad’. To most people that word is their life, but at the time it wasn’t to me. Have a read of ‘My biggest fear’ and you will find out why. I came to terms with everything in my life, and I conquered it. I laid every single problem to rest and picked myself up and I was smiling. With time I was back to me, I learnt how to write it all down, I learnt about blogging. I even started writing a story of myself to help inspire others.

I am no where near finishing my book, but it will be happening in the next year. Many tears were shed through my life, many angry moments, many of times I laid in bed hurting. But I never thought I would be sitting here right now writing about it. The pain is gone, and through my eyes I see the light, I can see myself in the mirror again.

Learning myself.

I have gone through life being strong, brave and at the same time weak and scared – I never really understood myself. Not many people understood me I don’t think. Because I show so many mixed emotions, I have massive ups and downs. Until recently. Until I learnt I am someone decent, there’s not a bad bone in my body. I just felt somewhat lonely, with no one to ever fully express myself to. In my previous posts you may gather some rough knowledge and basic understanding to me, but over the next few weeks I’m going to express myself like I never have before.

I know there’s something inside me waiting to come out, full of emotion. Something good or bad, I’m not really sure but I’m riding an emotional roller coaster and it hasn’t stopped yet. That’s the beauty of life, you don’t know when it will stop and when it does stop, is it the end? But what I do know, is I’m going to learn to enjoy this roller coaster and find a way to not fall off. That is why I sit for hours typing and typing, my feelings and thoughts come out onto paper, and are filed away. Leaving myself empty and ready for another day of overthinking and worrying.

Overthinking, this is something that we will all do at some point in our lives. It’s not a bad thing, but if not handled correctly it can be dangerous. The last few weeks I’ve been controlling my mind and teaching myself ways to stop. It didn’t used to take much to make me over think. For instance my ex partner used to wear a lovely dress and I would start worrying that she would find another guy that night. Purely through my own insecurity. Now when I find myself doing something like that, it’s over within seconds and I channel them thoughts to enjoy the moment or to either avoid the situation depending what it is.

I lost something great from actions of my own so I took it as a lesson, I have been improving myself. Reading, writing, working out, eating healthy and taking some pride in myself. I have been told numerous times that I’m going somewhere big in life, and I always replied with ‘regardless to where I end up as long as I have a family I will be fine’. That is exactly the attitude I needed to adapt into my life, looking back now I could kick myself. So hard. But it’s just a lesson and I now know what to do for the next time. If it happens again.

I can’t say I fully understand myself at the moment as I am still riding this emotional roller coaster, but I have full faith to know I’m copping in the best way I can considering the position I am in. Read, write, work out, socialise, work or sleep. That’s my motto to get me through day to day at the moment.

My biggest fear.

My biggest fear.

As a child there was always something, someone I was ALWAYS curious about. Someone that I ‘was’. Someone who made me, did not bring me up, just made me. Planted the seed as such. That person was my biological father. A man who disgusts me now, but when I was younger I felt like I wanted. When really, I just wanted to see him. See that the stories were true, see the true colours.

So, I spent every birthday and every Christmas waiting for a card. A piece of printed paper saying ‘happy birthday son’ or even just a balloon. But no. Nothing. Ever. I used to get upset every birthday, a birthday was my day – a day I should be so happy. But when it came to Christmas I was just as down, until I would look up and realise the numerous amounts of loved ones around me. Who didn’t need to give me a card for me to feel loved, I could see it in their eyes.

It was not until just over a year ago I decided enough was enough, it was time to find this man, ‘Dad’ as I should call him. I found him. His address, his job, his family, the times he left and entered his home and who lived there. Anything I needed or wanted to know, was in front of me. Black and white. But that wasn’t enough, I wanted to look this creature in the eye and remember everything he did to my mother and family. I wanted to hurt this man, badly. So I set off with my step brother. We sat outside for a good hour or two until I had got myself ready for what was, a life changer.

Instead of a knock at the door, I just gently tapped hoping no one would answer and I could convince myself he wasn’t there. But no, this tall, broad and quite honestly rude man answered the door. He knew exactly who I was. He stepped outside and asked who I was and why I was at his door at that time of night. So before I answered any questions I told him this. ‘I am Thomas, your son. The child you ran away from and then hurt my family. I am you, I’m not like you at all. But I am you’. SLAM. The door was shut in my face and a lady appeared, his wife. Some pumped up little b@*%h, is all I saw her as. She told me he was getting his jacket and shoes. She knew who I was and she was shocked, to say the least. She told me I was beautiful and looked just like my ‘father’ I laughed. A lot. Purely with arrogance.

We had our ‘chat’ and decided to meet again in a mutual ground. It wasn’t nice and it most certainly wasn’t something I can bring myself to talk about for a while. But I shall do a post soon. I promise.

I found myself lost in my head for months, even up until a few months ago. This man was horrible, abusive and not human. He had no heart, and most certainly was not like me in any shape or form. This man was not my father. I did not even need to tell myself that, I knew he was not. Maybe by blood he was, but not as a figure or as someone I looked up to. Once I had noticed this frame of thought in my head, I was happy. I woke up one morning and without thinking I looked around and said ‘Dad pass me the Orange juice’ my step Dad was beyond shocked. He heard that word come from my mouth. D-a-d. DAD. The first time I had ever said it.

Ever since that day I’ve been happier, I’m not happy in my head – but I’m happier. I have my Dad, and I have conquered my biggest fear in life. Meeting that man and then blocking him out. It was done, forever. A stepping stone to success in my life.