Learning myself.

I have gone through life being strong, brave and at the same time weak and scared – I never really understood myself. Not many people understood me I don’t think. Because I show so many mixed emotions, I have massive ups and downs. Until recently. Until I learnt I am someone decent, there’s not a bad bone in my body. I just felt somewhat lonely, with no one to ever fully express myself to. In my previous posts you may gather some rough knowledge and basic understanding to me, but over the next few weeks I’m going to express myself like I never have before.

I know there’s something inside me waiting to come out, full of emotion. Something good or bad, I’m not really sure but I’m riding an emotional roller coaster and it hasn’t stopped yet. That’s the beauty of life, you don’t know when it will stop and when it does stop, is it the end? But what I do know, is I’m going to learn to enjoy this roller coaster and find a way to not fall off. That is why I sit for hours typing and typing, my feelings and thoughts come out onto paper, and are filed away. Leaving myself empty and ready for another day of overthinking and worrying.

Overthinking, this is something that we will all do at some point in our lives. It’s not a bad thing, but if not handled correctly it can be dangerous. The last few weeks I’ve been controlling my mind and teaching myself ways to stop. It didn’t used to take much to make me over think. For instance my ex partner used to wear a lovely dress and I would start worrying that she would find another guy that night. Purely through my own insecurity. Now when I find myself doing something like that, it’s over within seconds and I channel them thoughts to enjoy the moment or to either avoid the situation depending what it is.

I lost something great from actions of my own so I took it as a lesson, I have been improving myself. Reading, writing, working out, eating healthy and taking some pride in myself. I have been told numerous times that I’m going somewhere big in life, and I always replied with ‘regardless to where I end up as long as I have a family I will be fine’. That is exactly the attitude I needed to adapt into my life, looking back now I could kick myself. So hard. But it’s just a lesson and I now know what to do for the next time. If it happens again.

I can’t say I fully understand myself at the moment as I am still riding this emotional roller coaster, but I have full faith to know I’m copping in the best way I can considering the position I am in. Read, write, work out, socialise, work or sleep. That’s my motto to get me through day to day at the moment.